Years ago, I was traveling in a crowded Chennai bus. There I noticed a local passenger, standing beside a seated tourist.
The standing passenger was struggling to balance himself, gripping the grab bar with one hand as he had a bag in other. So he asked of the tourist if he could hold his bag for some time, to which the tourist kindly refused.
I saw this and volunteered to help, but I couldn’t figure out why the tourist wouldn’t.
Now, in a setting like Chennai, where buses are often crowded, refusing to do such help is perceived as impolite. Seated passengers usually help, even if that means compromising on their own comfort sometimes.
So I was tempted to think of various possible reasons why he might have said no: Is it because the bus was hot? Could it be because of the difference in culture, where people might find it suspicious to hold a stranger’s bag?….
But it never occurred to me until much later as to why there should be a specific reason for him to say no. The tourist simply didn’t feel like it and therefore refused. Why the hell was I even rooting for reasons?
Now I don’t argue if what the tourist did is right, he might as well be a rude person. Who knows?
But the point here is, how many of us are like him? Do we say No when we have to? Or do we keep putting up with things — at the expense of our own peace and comfort — because it would make the other person feel comfortable?
Oftentimes, we don’t do what is right but rather what feels right in the context of a situation. And that’s because, doing what is right will put both us and the opposite person in a rather awkward situation.
Take, for instance, relationships. We don’t want to set boundaries in a relationship because we think we’ll upset our loved ones. And as a boss, we don’t want to tell our employees about their poor performance because we fear doing so would ruin our friendship. We know where this will lead us, yet we’re not ready for the hard conversations.
There comes one day when you no longer can tolerate any of the shits of your employee/lover/friend and you must finally tell them. Except this time, it won’t be like any rather easy conversations you could have had. But a crescendo of emotions gushing out from you: All your bottled up anger, frustration, and disappointment will find their outlet in that very moment.
Imagine the pain the other person will go through, equally—if not more.
You’ll give them the shock of their life. For you never hinted to them that you weren’t okay when they did what they did. You seemed cool all the while.
What we often fail to realize is that by being a people pleaser, we're not actually avoiding awkward moments; we're only setting ourselves up for a lifetime of frustration and resentment.
So, always prefer being candid over anything. You’ll save both yourself and people, time, energy, trauma and big heartbreaks.
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You should have done lot of investigation on this, in order to find out why the tourist said no...that would have brought some morality...